I just want to get this out.

It started the summer after 8^th grade, I was fit. But at the time, I was not the way I wanted to be. I started thinking, “I just probably get out of this house more often.” So you know what? I thought it would be a good idea to start taking some jogs in the morning, it felt good to be outside. But every summer I go to work with my mom. My mom cleans houses, and boy are those houses huge, going up and down stairs, cleaning everrrything, It’s quite a work out. I thought if I was going to be doing this much exercise, I might want to eat a little bit more healthy than eating Cheetos on the couch. So I did. And I started seeing results pretty fast. I liked that. I felt a bit better about my body. But then I just started writing down how many hours of a run I did, the miles, what I ate, how many calories I was consuming… I ended up being on a 1200 calories diet, I went running twice a day, running 6 a day, and still went to work with my mom. But I would still see this thing in the mirror that I didn’t want, I hated it… I hated going to the mall because then you see these girls who have perfect legs that aren’t too big, thighs that aren’t too thick, a flat stomach letting them wear anything they wanted, there was nothing wrong with them. And then there was me, once upon a time, the ugly duckling. And as stupid as it may sound, I ended up cutting myself for not looking like them.. Summer was coming to an end, and high school was about to beginning. I was freaking out. A big school, new people, teachers who you might like, teachers who scare the hell out of you.. School came and it was mid October, I had to stop my running because of school, homework, and chores. The only exercise I got was dance class, and walking home. But I ate little, actually I almost fainted in my 1^st period class last year because I didn’t eat breakfast. But I never ate breakfast, I was just probably tired, or so I told myself. 

I didn’t like the school food, so lunch was out of my schedule, I went to the library instead to read, I would come home and start on homework or just read. During the summer if I wasn’t working out or at work, I was in my room, it was the same when school started. So When I had to go do the usual doctors check up appointment, not only did I find out that I was –as a 14 year old- I weighed 104 pounds, but I also found out that I was anemic. [That’s when you don’t have enough iron in your blood system, basically] And that I had anorexia nervosa. My mom was freaked, of course. She told the doctor that I wasn’t eating right, and that I looked really pale, and that I never went out of my room because I was reading or sleeping. So my doctor put me on this diet. An actual healthy diet; without skipping meals. She also told me that when I get home from school I should just take about 15 minutes to go outside, I told her I liked to take pictures, so she told me to take pictures, and that the next time I see her I need to bring her beautiful pictures of my mom’s flowers. To which, I agreed. I was prescribed these irons tablets, I took them for about a month. And then tragedy stuck, my brother was at that time going to NA [narcotics anonymous] and after a while of no drugs he was being strange at school, leaving in the middle of night and his counselor told him to go to a therapist. On his third appointment he was diagnosed with depression, because he told his therapist of his plans, and thoughts of suicide. This made me want to hurl. My brother is everything to me. My best friend, and kind of like my father. My real one isn’t around, well, he is, but not really. The cutting started again. I stopped eating, but now it was for a different reason, I felt something in my stomach, and it wasn’t good. I would go to school and in all my classes I would think, ‘I wonder if he’s okay.’ Last year, there was this thing that people would say, “go kill yourself.” Honestly, before my brother I said it too. But when someone said that one day, It triggered something in my head. What if someone said that to my brother? What if someone says that, maybe not to him, but he hears it and starts thinking of something bad? All of these ‘what if’ questions were in my mind and I didn’t know what to do. After 11 months of worrying about him, not eating, not sleeping until I knew he was home, and giving up my time for him even though all he did was push me away. I gave up. I gave my problem to God, because I knew that He was the only one that could help my brother. I’ve recently started to not show how much I stress over these things going on at home, but I think my mom has noticed it in my eating. [I know what you’re thinking, “Not again!”] But this time it wasn't starving myself, it was how much food I ate. I’ve been eating what seems like a ton! And I never stopped. I felt like I was getting enough, but I just kept on going and going, and felling so guilty. And when I noticed that I had to get new jeans going from a size 00, 0 to a 3.. I freaked out. 

So I used my 2 little fingers, after weeks of that I got tired of it and just started taking laxatives, threw up twice a day, ate normal, exercise to a minimum. I stopped when throwing up and pills seemed like my only options. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve last taken a pill. A month since I’ve cut.

Please, for the love of god, don’t do this to yourself.

If you need help, get some.

If you need someone to talk to, do it.

If you need to be alone for a minute and just relax, do it.

Don’t let it be yourself whose stopping you from getting help.You are made in God's image, and He is perfect. You are His child, you are worth it.

"Wanting to be someone else is wasting the person you are."